The mania has subsided temporarily. To be sure, thought shapes and symbols whir elliptically in my mind, this calm is simply a relative reprieve from the typical racing. Is there some idea to escape this near-sickening and mostly incessant evil? Both day and night bring me the gift of a cruel marriage - unabating and hurried thinking united with the loudest of silences. White noise tickles my ears, while the predictably erratic racing of thoughts takes place. This friend of mine, psychosis, accompanies me everywhere - for wherever I go, there I am.
Concerning esoteric Christianity; the understanding that the spheres are indeed harmonious is encouraged. If I could yell loudly into the sky, would Creator feel the globes tremble above? The pauses between divine melodies are an opportunity for surrender and a reprieve from [everything]. When the mind races, shouting the whispers of insanity, does the melody wholly break? Is this why we love harmonic minors?
Perhaps least (most) importantly, Michif and Latin language study. Every moment, both waking and not-so-waking (lately, mostly the latter), an opportunity to either kill myself or develop an affection for life's pleasures (language study as personal development and self-on-self psychotherapy). Though darkness consumes absolutely, it may become the vessel through which I shall begin to appreciate life. Thought: Creator is both suffering and freedom from suffering.
- Z
“A phenomenon that a number of people have noted while in deep depression is the sense of being accompanied by a second self — a wraithlike observer who, not sharing the dementia of his double, is able to watch with dispassionate curiosity as his companion struggles against the oncoming disaster, or decides to embrace it. There is a theatrical quality about all this, and during the next several days, as I went about stolidly preparing for extinction, I couldn't shake off a sense of melodrama — a melodrama in which I, the victim-to-be of self-murder, was both the solitary actor and lone member of the audience.”
- William Styron
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“A phenomenon that a number of people have noted while in deep depression is the sense of being accompanied by a second self — a wraithlike observer who, not sharing the dementia of his double, is able to watch with dispassionate curiosity as his companion struggles against the oncoming disaster, or decides to embrace it. There is a theatrical quality about all this, and during the next several days, as I went about stolidly preparing for extinction, I couldn't shake off a sense of melodrama — a melodrama in which I, the victim-to-be of self-murder, was both the solitary actor and lone member of the audience.”
- William Styron
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